Free interception. I was thrown this as a gift by a guy in green and gold, and I really didn’t want it. It’s yours if you want it. I’ll leave it hanging in the air right by my hands at the goal line. If no one takes it, I’m just going to let them score next time. Abullah@handsofstone.org
Wanted: a working time machine! Longshot, I know, but I’m looking for a time machine that will take me back to August in Mississippi where I was happy sitting on my tractor and messing with my cell phone when these dudes showed up and convinced me to go with them. Willing to pay up to $16 million for a reliable model that can keep this from ever happening. I’ll throw in some blue jeans, too. Contact firstname.lastname@example.org. Include a photo of your junk for a prompt reply.
Earn money fast: participate in sleep study. Research team is looking for football fans experiencing nightmares so terrible they can’t possibly be real. Do you keep seeing your team lose in terrible ways? Can you seriously not freakin’ believe it? Earn money by letting our analysts watch you squirm. Contact the Cruel Football Gods for more info and a confidential application.
Lost! One coach-firing trigger. I should have pulled this trigger long ago, but I misplaced it. If you see it, please return it– or better yet, feel free to pull it yourself. Contact email@example.com
Free to dog – one $%@ing meal of some $@$%! chicken. Wait, on second thought, I wouldn’t feed this $@$%! to my dog. Forget it. Moss@partsunknown
Mint 2011 third round draft choice! New in box. Collector’s item. Willing to sell for far less than market value. Contact firstname.lastname@example.org.
Swap! Will trade this situation for freakin’ anything! Contact either Allday28 or Harvinator and tell us what you have. All offers considered. Seriously. This sucks.
Desperate football coach seeks new work. Technically, I’m still employed, but it can’t last much longer. Sorry, no references available. Call me. Please. Anyone. Chilly@firechilly.com